regular irregularity… but natural?

Someone once said, “We are what we regularly and repeatedly do”. I regularly get bouts of blogging, and repeatedly go into days without anything to write about. I think a lot, but blog not so regularly. I am regularly irregular with blogging. what does that make me?

I used to write so much and used to enjoy the process of articulating my thoughts so much. I used to like it. It helped clear my head. So I started blogging everytime I had something to say, mostly for my own sake. if it was personal in nature I wouldnt put it up on the blog, but I’d write nevertheless.  And then, suddenly, just as my blog was out there and people were beginning to respond to it (stats showed a single day hit count of 176 at one point, despite only about 5 -6 articles), something happened. The more those thoughts became clear they stopped translating into words. I see now that they were being directly – and more vigourously than ever – transformed into works or action. Karma or Kriya. And ever since, I realise, I dont feel that urge to write. The action takes it all away. It has all become so internal.

I feel more involved in whatever I do. I feel the action and the process of growth it generates itself gives me a high. There is a constant feeling of movement. I observed this pattern in myself years ago. I could feel this strongly during my years of learning as a disciple of two of the most distinguished gurus of Indian classical vocal music. I often saw there was a sort of ebb and flow in the movement. Suddenly i would find myself being on a high. Everything so intense and productive. Taleem (learning) sessions were intense as I felt I was able to absorb so much more than I did before, grasp so much more than I could before, the concentration of my energies was at a new level. Practice sessions were focussed and there was a definite perceivable gain in the efforts. Everything felt right. And as this went on.. suddenly one day I used to find that it was a long time since I felt that way. Everything was harder. Focus and  concentration were ellusive. Growth was scant. Though all felt normal, “that” factor was missing. Couldn’t explain it, but I knew something was definitely amiss. I could do nothing about it, except keep going until invariable I used find that state again.

This cycle was clearly a regular feature in my life as a student, as a sadhaka. I wondered if this was normal. But when I try to figure the cause, it seems logical. In music, and probably in most arts and any form of sadhana, there is no such thing as achievment. There is only attainnment. One can attain a certain state or level or excellence. Why else would an enlightened soul such as a Buddha or Adi Shankara continue to maintain strict discipline in their lives. They had attained That. It cannot be achieved. And in this process, we probably grow one step at a time. We have questions, goals, targets. We work towards them. As we begin to find the answers, we feel great. We feel fulfilled for a while. but we canot but move forwards – either towards degeneration or towards further growth. Things change. And if you are lucky, if the Gurus’ grace is indeed by your side, you realise that this is the time of the ebb. We feel new questions forming, new goals and targets come in sight and once again the process to seek them starts.

We all probably go through this. My efforts have been to increase the frequency of feeling that high and staying that way while always keeping an eye on the road ahead. Never to let a feeling of comfort set in during those highs. It probably has helped in maintaining a solid frame of mind for extended periods of time.

For the first time in my life I have been outside of the physical presence of my gurus for six months at a stretch. Ever since my initiation into the first notes of music, I have practiced in the presence or under the watchful care, monitoring and guidance of my gurus. It might have been for a maximum of a month or two, during performing tours that there was a distance, but that was always different. This is new turf.

The last thing my guru said to me as i left Kolkata was “Remember, you have to ensure a certain frame of mind. Remember your most intense days of learning with Kaikini ji in Mumbai or here with me in Kolkata. Everytime you sing or practice, transport yourself into the heart of those days”. That’s the mantra?